


tell me your lies because i just can't face it

by manghoe



Series: cause i'm a fool for you [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Siblings, alec panics all the time and is a confused gay #me, and it follows show canon, blood calls to blood, everything i write is angsty get used to it lol, i use way too many commas rip, ok this is technically my first fic ever so go easy on me lol, s01 e11, shadowhunters 1x11, this is pretty alec centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:23:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6349831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manghoe/pseuds/manghoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec knows the second Izzy asks him to go to Magnus that he will do it. This is his sister, and he will suck up his wounded pride because dammit if he wouldn’t fight his hardest to protect her from the horrors of their world she has yet to uncover. Everytime she smiles at him, one of her true beaming smiles that belies the love and understanding she bestows upon him, he is brutally reminded of the lengths he would go to just for her. And so, he finds himself upon Magnus’ threshold within the hour, dread filling him up as he presses the buzzer and readies himself for the truly painful conversation he is about to experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	tell me your lies because i just can't face it

**Author's Note:**

> yes the title is from it's you because i listened to mind of mine while writing this im sjkhfjkhdfjkf its so good i love zayn... but without further ado!

Alec knows the second Izzy asks him to go to Magnus that he will do it. This is his _sister_ , and he will suck up his wounded pride because dammit if he wouldn’t fight his hardest to protect her from the horrors of their world she has yet to uncover. Everytime she smiles at him, one of her true beaming smiles that belies the love and understanding she bestows upon him, he is brutally reminded of the lengths he would go to just for her. He feels something inside of him shattering when she claims she would rather be stripped of her runes than live in their world, feeling like an utter failure of a brother that Izzy was even at this point, the she was ever even arrested. He's useless to his parents, his sister, his parabatai (and are they even that anymore?) and he finds himself upon Magnus’ threshold within the hour, dread filling him up as he presses the buzzer and readies himself for the truly painful conversation he is about to experience. 

"Who calls upon the High Warlock of Brooklyn? It's still Monday and some of us have lives at the moment," Magnus' voice booms through the buzzer, which must be magically enhanced because of how it affects him. Alec feels like the arrows of his own quiver are shooting one by one through his body, piercing flesh, because Magnus would not talk to him this way if he knew it was him, brightly with a hint of sarcasm, and Alec's mind is filled with images of how Magnus may react to his presence there, but that doesn't make it any easier when Alec answers.

"It's...me. Alec Lightwood." And goodness, that feels like one of the lamest things Alec has ever said and how would Magnus ever recognize him when all he said was "me" and why did he even come here? Everything was so pointless- 

"Oh right, Alec. Well, come on up." Magnus' tone is clipped and Alec feels foolish for wishing Magnus had just called him _Alexander_ , sharply remembering the last time Magnus had done it and the utter hurt in his voice. 

Magnus will not make this easy for him, he knows this, but it still sends a pang through his heart at the pure acid in Magnus' voice when he makes jabs about the wedding, and oh, Angel he gets it, and he feels so bad for putting Magnus in this situation, but when will someone, just one person understand why he is doing all of this? Alec tells Magnus it's about his sister and really, he feels exceptionally ridiculous, because he knew all of this, knows that Downworlders can't defend Shadowhunters in a court of law, knows that this was useless anyways because why in the world would Magnus acquiesce to anything he said? 

Alec hates himself even more for the brief spell of attraction he feels at Magnus' intelligence and his discovery of a loophole in the Clave's rules, almost allowing himself a dry chuckle at Magnus' imitation of an old Shadowhunter. The feelings of betrayal and self-hatred subside slightly because everything is clear now, he can save his sister and Magnus may not hate him after all of this. He boxes away all these feelings, because this was technically a business dealing ( _though neither man would label it that_ ) and boldly replies, "Name it," because there really isn't anything he wouldn't give for his sister. 

"You."

Except for that.

And it's so ironic really, that after all of this Magnus would take him, for he knows, despite Magnus' recovery with an innuendo, that he does not mean it sexually. No, Magnus means that he would take Alec, all his flaws and imperfections and anxieties, and all Alec wants to say is yes. But they both know he can't. 

He glances away from Magnus, brow furrowing, because Magnus  _must_ know what this is doing to him. He attempts to perform a motion that's vaguely reminiscent of a smile, but really, it's just a quirk of his lips that does absolutely nothing to diminish the tension. "Anything else," he replies, and he knows by Magnus' sigh that this was the answer Magnus had expected. He watches as Magnus turns around, appearing deep in thought of another payment he could extract from Alec. 

The dangerous glint in Magnus' eyes as he turns back around jolts Alec, a painful reminder that this is a  _warlock_ , an extremely powerful one at that, and here Alec is, developing... something or the other for this magnificent person who is so off limits in every aspect. 

"Your bow and quiver." And damn, that had definitely not been what Alec had expected, but Magnus' eyes held a challenge, and Alec would never back down from one of those. 

He accepts, and Magnus' eyes fill with grudging impress and a hint of surprise.

☆☆

Magnus arrives an hour early to the trial. Izzy and Alec have been holed up in her room for the past few hours, and all he can do is hold her in his arms, pat her hair, and remind her of how strong she is and that she will pull through, no matter what. And it doesn’t matter that they’re false assurances, that he is trying to convince himself as much as he is trying to convince his sister, because this is what she needs. Even if he can’t deliver on anything else, even if all he can do is helplessly wait for Magnus, he does it because he must be strong for his sister. He must be strong for his family, he must never show weakness, he must serve the Clave, he must forget himself in this horrid existence, he must-

He thanks the Angel for Magnus at that moment, walking in with one of his trademark daring ( _beautiful, stunning, gorgeous_ ) outfits, for he banishes those thoughts from his head, admittedly replacing them with less than appropriate ones. Alec shakes his head minutely. He has a fiancée and Magnus has made it exceedingly clear that he wants nothing to do with Alec and the mess that is his life anymore. 

Izzy is still in his embrace, face tucked away in his shoulder, so he brushes aside her hair and whispers in her ear, "He's here."

She withdraws immediately, never wishing to appear weak in front of an audience, rising to greet Magnus. Alec feels out of place there while they talk about various procedures of the trial, Magnus preparing Izzy for questions Lydia and the Inquisitor may ask her. He feels his brain shifting to autopilot and slips out of the room, not wishing to relive the night of Jace's betrayal and hearing a twisted version of the truth from his sister that protects Jace and Clary. 

He makes his way to his bedroom, simply wishing to remain alone and stew in his thoughts, no matter how negative they may be. He, of course, receives none of this, for when he walks in his room, he sees Lydia standing there. She appears uncertain, one of few times he has seen her so, and pivots on her heel upon hearing him open the door.

"Alec. How is everything?" He feels everything crashing down inside of him because she is one of few people who have even bothered to ask him that in the past few weeks. 

"I'll be fine. I'm just worried about Isabelle."  _And Jace, even Clary_ ; all of which goes unsaid but she seems to understand. They understand each other, their acceptance of the laws of the Clave, their worry for the people around them. In another life, and maybe even this one, she would have been a close friend to him, but he's fucked everything up now hasn't he? 

"You know I don't want to do this. I really am sorry Alec." And yes, he does understand. She's under orders that hurt her and people she cares about (he wonders why they call him oblivious when he has picked up upon the obvious tension between Izzy and Lydia that is much more than platonic) and goodness if that isn't familiar to him. 

"I know. I know, Lydia."

And they hug, both expressing their friendship and solidarity for the other. He knows he will never feel anything further than friendship for her, and sometimes, by the way she looks at him, he wonders if she knows more about his situation than she lets on. 

☆☆

Alec is overjoyed when Lydia drops the charges against Izzy. He smiles for the first time in what feels like so long, her ecstatic expression giving him peace as he pulls her in for a quick embrace. He knows that Izzy is far from innocent, but she still doesn't know exactly how twisted everything is in their world, and the bright smile on her face gives him hope that she never will. 

Everything soon goes to shit (as it always does with them) when the Inquisitor gives them an ultimatum: the Cup, or Izzy's runes. And once again Alec feels reduced to nothing, because getting the Cup back means waiting for Jace. Waiting for Jace means believing that he will come back, that he will bring along Clary and the Cup safely, that he will _care_ enough to help Alec, because he questions even this now.

He wonders when everything got so bad that he didn't trust that his parabatai, his brother, would come back to help their sister.

☆☆

Jace comes back of course, with the Cup and Clary in tow, along with devastating news: they are siblings. A month ago, this would have been a revelation that would have elated Alec but right now? All he needs is to be alone, to think about all of this and figure out where he and Jace stand. 

Alec enters his sister's room and a smile forms on his face just thinking of how she will feel when he tells her the news. She is, of course, euphoric and giddy, pulling him in for a hug in front of Magnus, folding into him just as she has done so many times when they were children and teenagers. Raising his head, he notices Magnus looking at them with a fond and wistful expression, one that truly belies his years and the loss he has felt. 

Magnus goes to grab his jacket, addressing him, "Walk me out, will you? We have some business to settle." Alec knows what this means, knows that the time has come for him to relinquish his bow and quiver but it really was all worth it for saving Izzy and seeing that smile on her face. He hugs her again, placing his cheek in her soft, glossy hair, and pulls away, following Magnus out the door. 

With every step he takes towards the training area and weapons cache, he feels the tension build in his shoulders. Alec finally approaches, passing by Magnus, and goes to grab his weapon of choice, feeling their electric sensation in his hands for one last time. His bow and quiver mean more to him than most will ever know. They allow him to protect from behind, to step into his role as the big brother during battle, to just keep the ones he loves safer for the next time. Magnus may even be aware of this, Alec doesn't know, but surely, he knows their importance. He gives them to Magnus, taking note of the other man's analyzing expression and reluctantly states, "As promised, payment in full. Thank you." The environment is tense beyond belief, as if there is no more to be said between them outside of a business dealing, as if there is no emotion in this situation. 

Magnus pauses after walking a few steps away, and Alec feels it in his bones that this has definitely suddenly moved from payment transaction to emotionally charged conversation, and he doesn't even know which he feels more comfortable with. 

He turns around, tone and face already softer, and says, "I just wanted you to know. Lydia was wonderful in court. She's great."

"So you get it?" Alec curses himself for the amount of emotion his words peel back, but he is so very glad. Finally,  _finally_ , somebody who's not Lydia or himself understand why he has to do this, what this means to him and his family. 

"No, Alec."

Really, how many times can everything come crashing down in one day?

Magnus goes on, talking about how the whole situation was not fair to himself, or Lydia, or Magnus, and Alec felt himself collapsing inside. It didn't  _matter_ if it was fair, it was for the greater good and nobody at all was trying to understand. 

"I don't know what to do with these." And just like that, Magnus draws him back in, giving him back his bow and quiver and once again, displaying his compassion for a warlock who most believed to be aloof and uncaring. Alec stands there for what feels like hours after Magnus leaves, holding his bow and quiver so hard that his fingers turn white, paler than they normally are. Izzy is the one who finds him.

"Did you settle everything with Magnus?" He knows that she does not mean just the payment for his work in the trial and suddenly, everything is spilling out of the carefully constructed dam he has placed upon his emotions and brain. 

He tells her everything, about how he paid with his bow and quiver which Magnus had rescinded to him, Magnus' thinly veiled anger and disappointment towards him. She listens, because she knows it is what he needs, holding him, grounding him, and he wonders, not for the first time, which of them is actually older. 

☆☆

The next time Alec sees Magnus, he avoids eye contact as long as possible, not wanting to clue in the others on the tension between them. He can already feel Clary looking between them with a quirked eyebrow and a little, sad, half smile, and by the Angel, if that doesn’t hurt because this is _Clary_. She was the only person besides Izzy and Magnus who had figured it out, who had spent just a few days with them and realized the way Alec looked at Jace was not the way he ought to have. That terrifies him more than anything, because what if she tries to figure it out, what if she tells people? His eyes rove everywhere, looking everywhere but Magnus, who he can tell from his peripheral vision looks _sinfully_ good in what appears to be a mock military outfit, finally landing upon Clary. She offers him a soft, slightly pained smile and he definitely didn't see that coming.

She approaches him later. He is once again taking out all his frustrations upon a punching bag, idly thinking that he has found himself throwing punches with names and actions of the people important to him attached to them far too many a time recently. 

"Hey Alec, can we talk?" She seems to be wary as she walks towards him.

He resigns himself to it, because they will talk no matter what he replies, and they both know it. She takes a deep breath before opening her mouth, and Alec dreads what he anticipates she will say.

"Alec, you need to call off this wedding. It's killing you, it doesn't seem too fair to Lydia, and it's hurting Magnus. I...see the way you two look at each other. You shouldn't let go of something like that." And he almost panics, thinking of excuses but really, what's the point of denying anything anymore? He is so,  _so_ very tired.

"I can't do anything, Clary. The wedding is tomorrow. I have to do this for my family." 

"I risk sounding harsh here Alec, but you need a wake-up call. No matter how many times you tell yourself that, it won't get any more true."

His head shoots up, eyes narrowing, and he opens his mouth to utter a stinging retort before faltering. She seems to take this as permission to keep going, talking about this and that, mundane practices of people like him, and he doesn't listen to a word, because he realizes  _she's right_. He's only been convincing himself this whole time that the wedding was the only thing that would save his family name, but was it not already tarnished beyond belief? A simple marriage into a prestigious family would never erase the wrongdoings of his parents in their days in the Circle. A union between himself and someone who could be his friend really would leave both of them unhappy for the rest of their marriage. He's picking up on the way Lydia and Izzy throw longing glances at each other even more now, and he could never deprive either of them of the kind of happiness they would receive from that. 

"Clary, I...I gotta go. Thanks." He must have interrupted her, because she stops mid-sentence, offering him a big smile when she realizes that he has made a decision. She is still wary as she approaches him and he walks forward, surprising both of them, to hug her. She opened his eyes, pulling him out of the abyss he was about to fall into, and a part of him aches for her and her situation with Jace but his mind is tunneling to one place.  _Magnus._

☆☆

It's the weirdest thing, he thinks, that  _Clary Fray_ , of all people is the one who convinces him to go to Magnus, although with everything they've faced in the past month, there may be weirder. 

**Author's Note:**

> this work mainly follows show canon, however not really for 1x12. though we don't really know what will happen in 1x12 fully, we know that there is a wedding, but i didn't want to write this with a wedding because i'd like to think alec wouldn't go through with it lol and lydia getting left at the altar is so sad for me rip!
> 
> you can find me at tumblr @matheusdaddario hmu! we can scream about shadowhunters together... this work is unbetaed bc i don't really know how that works lol so if you maybe wanna do that u can contact me on tumblr too!
> 
> this is completed for now but if you guys want more of this pls comment!!


End file.
